I’ve been meaning to make a separate blog for my writing ideas for ages! When I say ages I mean a few weeks…Unmotivated is probably the best word to describe my current state of mind over the last few years. I’ve tried so many times to push myself and get put there, talk to new people, leave the house, leave my room, leave my laptop or my book, write the story I’ve always wanted to, meet the guy that I’ve dreamed of. I still find it a struggle to leave my room some days and say hi to at least one person, therefore I’m a hermit at best.
To be honest this funk that I’ve been in really needs to fuck off. I’m tired of not feeling good enough to wear the same pretty clothes that I see girls in magazines wear, or have days where I just hate everyone and everything. Although to honest I have been getting better! If anything this blog shows it, the fact that I’ve actually done what I’ve been meaning to do for a while. I already have a tumblr, that I’m unhealthily addicted to. I mean, I made it a year ago, during summer, a time when my funk is it at its most optimum level. I was desperately trying to find a job (something near impossible if you don’t have any work experience and you live in London), trying not to worry about my A-level results, trying to figure out if I wanted to go to university or move to Australia with my mum, trying to feel good about myself. A year ago, I was shy, had the lowest self-esteem, couldn’t even look a guy in the eye as I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was no-where near good enough for them, felt not even good enough to find a job and support myself, I just felt unhealthy and tired. I fell into tumblr and found security in the infinite-ness of my blog, in the infinite-ness of the images and ideas that I’d find on my dashboard. It’s all happened again now, I’m saving myself from the ultimate depression by seeking comfort from the blogs I follow and from what they have to say. I’ts just an extremely therapeutic way to not think about your own problems for a while. But I know at the same time I can’t rely on this virtual world.
But I know eventually the tumblr party on my other blog will be over and I’ll have to think about more serious and pressing issues, like my degree and what I want to do afterwards…but today I feel like I’ve moved from my funk a little! I got a haircut, one that I’ve wanted for ages, one that my friends have been begging me to get, one that my boyfriend would suggest each and every time we’d pass a barber or hairdresser. I don’t know if I like it to be honest, I don’t take well to change at all, despite the fact that so much has changed in the last year, but I just got on with it. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do now. I’m going to work through this funk and just get on with it. Wish me luck my non-existent followers!